The view from my little window this morning:

November 10th is the birthday of the U.S. Marine Corps!

I was at the Post Office the other day, balancing a large package to send to my Marine in Afghanistan. He won’t be able to receive any mail after January 1st, so this was a holiday/birthday/last-chance package. A woman asked if it was for my husband! I told her all about AnySoldier.com and wrote down the address for her – hopefully she’ll try it out

But I was amused to learn that I must finally be starting to look my age. People tend to assume I’m in college, or even high school. I wasn’t even wearing makeup or particularly “grown up” clothes.

But then that night I picked up my 15 year old nephew and his friend’s mother thought I was my nephew’s sister. So maybe not.

9A.M. The sun is hidden behind clouds, leaving the world in a shadow that brings to mind late dusk or the earliest dawn.

And yet she stands out. Her back is straight, yet she appears huddled – the black and white stripes of her blanket falling in folds around her, her straight black hair shielding her face from the cool air. The bench she sits on is stone. Although brown leaves are piled at her feet, still more grow green on the trees to either side of her.

She sits on the Fifth Avenue bench, dressed for work, lost in contemplation.

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11:30A.M. He sits on a folding chair, far back, until someone stops to consider his watercolors. Cherry blossoms captured in a deep red, like a blanket of snow falling – a white tiger looking out at you – a home shrouded in blue mists among the mountains.

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12:00P.M. He sits on the park bench, surrounded by leaves, dogs and people passing by. He balances his laptop, his Blackberry in his right hand, opening a newspaper in his left – oblivious to the world, even my camera.

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Recreated Moment, 11:45A.M. I approach two women who are considering a map, ask if they are lost and/or need help (God knows how many times I have to ask for directions still). They don’t need help, but they tell me about themselves – their names are Dot and Sandy, and they are visiting from Canada. They’ve just seen the Frick, and are debating the Met or the Guggenheim next. They ask me where I’m from – apparently offering my help was a giveaway that I’m not a native New Yorker! We all agree, though, that New Yorkers are quite helpful – the trick is getting them to stop and pay attention. I’ve made a conscious decision in New York to smile at as many people as I can without making myself uncomfortable and to offer assistance whenever it looks appropriate. As a side benefit, I get to hear some cool accents!

“The creatures that inhabit this earth – be they human beings or animals – are here to contribute, each in its own particular way, to the beauty and prosperity of the world.” - Dalai Lama

“Man is condemned to be free. Condemned because he has not created himself- and is nevertheless free. Because having once been hurled into the world, he is responsible for everything he does.” - Sartre

I’ve had two conversations (plus some) that have defined something for me. One was with a guy who likes to argue and debate for the sake of the argument. One was with a woman who says that even if she doesn’t bother changing her lifestyle after reading Michael Pollan’s In Defense of Food, “it’s good to educate yourself.” And the other was just the random conversation at the lunch table.

I don’t believe in theory for the sake of theory. It probably sounds like I talk about a lot of ideals all the time, but to me these discussions are about active searching – for ways to live a healthy and responsible life, for ways to help people out there, for ways to help create a healthy and responsible society. My life is about actively seeking those goals. When I find a pathway, I try it – try to change my lifestyle in a sustainable way. I have very little patience for people who know “they should” but don’t care enough to try.

For those scientists out there, I’m not arguing that you can never do “pure” research. Just as my philosophy discussions might not have a specific destination in mind, so pure research often leads to important discoveries for society.

I believe that living with a focus towards global responsibility doesn’t stop me from enjoying my life – in fact, it enhances it in so many ways. The issue is simply about perspective and balance. You have to know what’s a balanced expectation – so that you don’t overload yourself or have ridiculous expectations – but you also need a perspective shift at times… to remember that although you are just one person, your contribution makes a big change.

It reminds me of something John once wrote to me:

Some feel 10 million is a drop in the bucket in terms of the overall budget, but what’s a storm but a bunch of drops falling from the sky? Keep your chin up… and keep in mind there are those who are trapped by the inertia of the status quo, and there are those whose jobs are to break us all free of that mindlock. But don’t scorn them for being caught in such an awful trap. Imagine how dreadful it must be imagining all of your tomorrows to be the same as your yesterdays!

I’ve realized through many discussions that many people are stuck in just that – they refuse to conceive that there could be other systems, other lifestyles, other perspectives that work for them. I hesitate to call it blind selfishness, though it often seems to parade in that guise. It’s a mindlock that I haven’t figured out how to break. Whether it was by birth or by childhood events, I came to this life prepared to become the person I am always becoming – a change agent. I believe in the individual’s importance and responsibility towards achieving global change. I believe we are all the individual drops needed to make a storm.

The paradox is that, although societal change logically must be fueled by individual change, individual change seems to follow the trend of societal change. Maybe it’s our market economy – maybe it’s about a few companies noticing a potential trend and making it seem like the next big thing. For whatever reason, I believe we are seeing a shift in perspective – slowly, slowly, slowly. It’s hard to say how much of it is fueled by need (we’re running out of gas! We have to find alternative energy sources!) and how much is a true shift in approach to life (we need to create a sustainable society model so that we don’t destroy the planet and millions don’t die every year from lack of resources).

The paradox of feeling passionately about something is that while you are well-equipped, through your passion, to “market” your cause, you also have less patience to do so. You’re too emotionally invested, the cause seems too urgent. And of course it is urgent – millions die every day; crop diversity is being steadily lost and we only have about twenty years to save certain staple crops from global warming; with each drop we add to our tanks, there’s less left for the future; hundreds of thousands of people live in conditions barely thinkable.

The most important shift in thinking, perhaps, is the balance between being patient but not too patient. We need solutions – but we need sustainable, long-lasting solutions. Not a quick fix. Not a ten-year bandaid. And people need to understand that these solutions will require societal change. Not because they’ve been led to feel it’s hip to recycle, or because it’s more cost-effective to take public transport than buy gas. We need to become aware that our lifestyle isn’t just about us, but about the world. Our basic approach to life, our basic philosophies, will have to shift as we enter a new world of solutions to global issues – social, environmental, economic, political, educational.

I’ve met a few guys in the time I’ve been living here. In each case, they – at their own suggestion – gave me their phone number. One of them never has time to hang out, another’s phone doesn’t work.

Maybe third time is the charm, but this time it’s me in the way of it happening. I see this guy every day, at least for the duration of my current temp job. He grabs small excuses for conversation starters, finds chances to give me subtle little presents. We actually went to lunch one day, but since then it’s been this dance – him continuing to reach out, and me standing still. That is… I’m friendly. I make conversation, I smile at him, I even visit him at his cubicle once in a while.

The ball is clearly in my court… and I don’t know what to do with it. For a number of reasons. One, because even if temporarily, we’re working in the same office; I’m worried that’s a potentially bad situation. Two, I have almost no experience with dating… I’ve always had relationships, not dates. I’ve gone on a few dates with guys – okay, two (not counting lunch with this guy) – and that means that I’ve always done the “develop crush on one another, become significant others” path. Instead of the “go on dates, get to know one another” path.

It also means the chemistry has always been there from early on in the relationship. I’m having trouble imagining going on a date with someone before the chemistry is definitely there, much less making the move to suggest we go out again. Which is funny, because the chemistry in most of my relationships developed – it’s just that it developed through friendship, with no relationship pressure. Once it was there, the relationship happened.

I also feel like I’m having trouble getting a sense of this guy. I’ve always been attracted to people who are passionate and have a big dream and the drive to push for it (and, by extension, to push me as well) – I’m not sure if I just haven’t had a chance to see it, or if this guy doesn’t have it…. I feel like I’m missing something, but maybe that’s an assumption on my part that he must have that aspect to his personality? And if he doesn’t, is that important? I’m not certain – there have been major pros and cons to that aspect of my relationships.

An abrupt ending point, but time to end this post – happy New Year!

I’m finding that having a job, a few regular weeknight events, and varying weekend stuff makes for a much happier lifestyle. It makes things like where I live significantly less important.

I’m really enjoying my current temp job, and I enjoy the people there (and I’m really looking forward to a paycheck showing two weeks of full-time work!!). And then I have my shiur to look forward to one night a week, and my nephews’ soccer games on Thursday nights – GO TEAM! We’ve won the first two games of the season. Keep up the winning streak!

I have a bunch of other things I’m excited about – Fall for Dance and Project Sunshine events are both scheduled in the next month. In2Books should be starting any day now! And today I started something new; I read this article and decided to write a letter to a soldier. I found the AnySoldier.com website and went through that. I gave a lot of thought before deciding to go ahead with it… I had to decide how comfortable I was with writing a letter to a stranger and including contact info. But I decided to go for it, and I can’t wait to send my letter. I have most of it drafted, but I’m going to see if I can arrange a donation of one or two things they need, and send a package along with the letter. I know I don’t have the money to send much of a care package, but if I can get some things donated, then great. And if not…. then they’ll still get my letters.

I’ve also got a few projects to work on when I make time…. but I’m saving them til they are ready to be shown.

It makes for strong second winds and a quick fall to sleep at night. It’s great

“In moments of discouragement, defeat, or even despair, there are always certain things to cling to. Little things usually: remembered laughter, the face of a sleeping child, a tree in the wind – in fact, any reminder of something deeply felt or dearly loved.
No man is so poor as not to have many of these small candles. When they are lighted, darkness goes away – and a touch of wonder remains.”
- “These Small Candles” …tombstone inscription in Britain

Last week was rough. I didn’t have work, I was rejected by two jobs, my car had trouble and I had to buy a new battery for it, and things generally felt difficult and lonely. The sun almost never came out. I couldn’t help running a lot of woulda-coulda-shouldas through my mind, mostly going back to high school and moving forward from there. If I’d started working weekends in high school so I had some real work experience. If I’d made friends with more healthy, stable people so I’d have a lasting support system and more experience with normal interaction. Lots of changes. It’s unusual for me to think that way, because to change one thing is to change everything. But last week, changing everything didn’t sound like a bad idea.

Today I had temp work, and it didn’t even matter that I had almost nothing job-related to do all day. I stayed productive, everyone was friendly, I earned money. I was able to come home and use the evening the way it’s meant to be used – get a second wind on a carb-heavy dinner, reconnect with family and friends, wind down with a funny Colbert Report, get some prep work done for a new volunteer project I’m super excited about, spend some time on the computer, etc. One of my friends is feeling hopeful-excited about a chance to reach her dreams, and that made me really happy and excited. And I had a very nice email back from a professional contact.

I connected with both my nephews tonight, which was great. Since one connection happened because of something I learned about at work today, I consider that a gift today gave me. (we’ll see how tomorrow goes; I have to be Adult on a school night while their mom is out of the house for a few hours – I’m torn between wanting to be a cool aunt and wanting to play mommy – for instance, do I buy takeout as a treat, or figure out the most balanced meal I can get them to eat?? lol….maybe I make a balanced meal but also bake cookies?)

I don’t have a lot of the things I’ve dreamed of for years…. but I do have some of them. I always wanted someone to cheer on at sports games, and now I do – two!

I’m not ready to wholeheartedly embrace my dreams again yet. I’m ready to feel tentatively hopeful that things will work out some way or other, but it’s too soon for me to be back to thinking “I’m going to find my dream job really soon, make a lot of friends, and live happily ever after.”

To some extent, I’m compromising on my dreams. I’m learning that maybe I will accept what I can get and be happy with it. I won’t stop trying to reach for my dream job… and I couldn’t justify it if I did. But as much as life is about pursuing your dreams, life is also about finding happiness in the moment, in what you can attain for now. I’m learning to be grateful for little things in a much more practical manner than ever before – I was grateful for nature and the everyday magical moments it offers, but not as much for basic necessities. I’m learning how to fail, and how to accept rejection, and accept that there are things you can’t have for a long time, and how to get up and keep trying anyways. I’m learning to have reasonable expectations of myself instead of overachiever expectations. I’m learning to not panic over limited resources or to stress over everyday things that I can’t control.

So in the end, even if I haven’t gotten my dream job, it’s been a productive summer.

It pays to read subway ads!

I caught a glimpse of a poster for the Fall For Dance Festival as we passed through a station. Since I’m obsessed with dance, I remembered to look it up even though I only saw one other poster for it that day (and, for that matter, since that day).

Fall for Dance is a two week event at the end of September/early October with all sorts of dance performances – and you only pay $10 for the day! Since seeing live dance is always on my grab-that-chance list, the idea of  a ticket I could fit into my budget was pretty thrilling.

The ticket website slowed to a crawl the minute the tickets went up for sale. I read that last year, the tickets sold out in a few hours… obviously other people were intent on getting their tickets before that happened, just like I was! Since you only have 13 minutes to complete an order once you select a ticket, it was pretty frustrating. But an hour and half later, I had my order complete.

After looking through the program, I chose two days, one from each weekend. I’m excited about the variety. I’m also excited because one performance uses puppets – an interest of mine since I started exploring shadow puppetry in grad school – and some of the dances use ethnic themes, which will be interesting from an anthro point of view. And I’ve always wanted to see live classical ballet, which I’ll get the second day I go.

Without further ado, my program:

Day 1: