I just realized tonight that it’s been 5 months since I moved here, give or take a week.

Which is slightly better than when I miscounted and thought 6 months.

Anyways…. I’m trying to look at it as a process. Step 1, find a job: achieved (although in process somewhat, since ideally I’d have a f/t job).

Step 2 is making friends. For a while I thought I was, but turns out males aren’t that interested in friendship. Big surprise… Anyways, I have some weekends off in January so I’m scheduling social activities.

Steps after that aren’t numbered yet… things like finding an apartment, maybe dating again. Things that can’t be planned yet.

Getting Step 2 underway is high priority to me. Hopefully it’ll work out well, and hopefully I can be patient enough.

The snow fell in big puffs, like smoke pouring backward from the sky to the ground. The sky was silent, gray, looming.

A quick flip of the switch and the room became warm and friendly as the glowering sky retreated from the lights. She hurried in quickly. In preparing everything for her housewarming, she’d left the bookcases for last, but she had a half hour now to decide which books to unpack first.

She quickly cut open the tape on the first box. She smiled as she looked inside, and ran her fingers lightly over the spines. Fairy tales. She hesitated – would her neighbors understand an adult loving fairy tales? What message did she want her bookcase to convey to her new neighbors?

Who doesn’t love fairy tales, she decided, and gave them the shelf just below the middle – not too high for children, not too low for adults. Maybe one of her neighbors had children. They’d stop by after school for a muffin and a story….

Next came non-fiction, stories about all the social issues she hoped to help change. Those were definitely going in the bookcase. Second highest shelf, just above the reach of younger children, but in sight for the teenagers and adults. Philosophy came next, fitting comfortably next to the non-fiction.

Just enough time for one more shelf – she opened the box and frowned. Cookbooks. Did she really want those in this room, rather than the kitchen? Was there a place in the kitchen for them? She grabbed a few and went to see.

There was the counterspace…. but she needed that for preparing food. Windowsill? But she wanted the light. She settled for putting them in the bookshelf, but promised to think of a better solution later.

She stashed the opened boxes, did a quick survey of all the rooms – was everything in place? The kitchen table was close to full, but she’d left some open spots – Mrs. M– downstairs had promised to bring pie, and some of the other neighbors might bring food as well, so she had dishes on hand. Her mug tree was full, and although she had coffee brewing she was willing to bet her neighbors would want to try her home-pressed cider.

She took a deep breath. This was going to go well. The walls were colorful and warm, the dishes were bright, the food smelled wonderful, and the entire apartment smelled like perfectly spiced cider. If nothing else, the food would be a hit.

To be continued…

It seems like everything is picking up…. except my professional life. My personal life – projects and friendships and developing routines – are all progressing – steadily, quickly. When I’m seeing so much quick return in my personal life, it makes it that much harder to push myself to keep trying in my professional life.

I’ve had two job interviews this month, two networking meetings, and contacted three places about internships… in addition to continuing to apply for job openings. In theory, things are progressing. In reality, they feel like continuing stagnation.

But I just got off a call with my parents, and for whatever reason I feel more ready to keep trying again. Maybe the positive feedback on one of my projects. I just feel better

It’s Wednesday, but I haven’t gotten any job apps out yet this week. Everything was on hold while I made a decision about AmeriCorps.

Deciding not to take the AmeriCorps position was hard. It made me feel like I’m back at Square 1…. and made me question what my priorities are. Are you supposed to take the harder path to reach great things? Is the part of me that wants to be responsible and financially secure the socially trained part that will hold me back? I don’t know.

But I’ve been making a different sort of progress. I’ve made contact with two professionals in my field, and have reached out to several more. I learned of a professional organization in the area to join. I’ve reconnected with a few old friends. I’ve made a new friend, and hopefully taken a step to soldifying a friendship with a person I met through Habitat a month ago (nothing like fresh baked cake to bond, right?). And I’ve become a real part of the team at Habitat – I’ve even got a nickname

So maybe I’m slowly finding ways to fill another necessity. One of my friends likes to refer to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs a lot…. friendship is actually mid-level there, after financial security and such. But it’s still a lower-level need that has to be filled before you can “move up.” I’m not entirely sure I agree with the levels… but then, I need intellectual stimulation and creativity like food. In any case, I badly want to make friends locally and I’m really hopeful that it’s happening.

A friend of mine once described a period of time about the end of college and the beginning of career as the time he ate a lot of ramen. It’s cheap and filling. Ever since then, I’ve had a concept of a “ramen noodle phase.” It’s pretty much any time when you’re struggling to get things started, working towards your goals but a good ways off from reaching them. Waiting for that big break that’s going to make all the difference.

Someone said to me a few weeks ago that I’m too young to be impatient. Sometimes I repeat that to myself, but in truth – I’m impatient for such basic things. An apartment, friends, enough income to live on and occassionally treat myself to something.

So I prefer to think of it as a ramen noodle phase. I achieve a few steps towards my goals each day. Some of those steps are repetitive stones tossed in the pond – another resume sent out, another application completed. Tomorrow it’ll be a few hours of temp work, a little money earned, a reachout to a new contact, and maybe some applications done in the evening. As long as I see everything as a stepping stone, I won’t go crazy from this sense of inertia, this inability to make the next big step happen. I’m doing all I can.

Whoever coined the term “hope springs eternal” didn’t know me. Hope doesn’t spring like a rabbit or flow like a spring of water.

It flares. It’s a fire in the heart, in the hands, in the mind.

I’ve decided to hold off on unpacking. Not getting a job in my field doesn’t mean I won’t possibly still get a salaried job that pays enough to get an apartment.

My hope – the fire that flares up at the smallest hint of fuel – is that I can get a job in any number of non profits or social profits focusing their efforts on issues related to poverty and either/both health and education.

From the start, my goal with museums was to reach out to underserved audiences, to find ways to provide important resources and inspirational/educational opportunities to the people who need it most and to provide opportunities and inspiration to people who have the resources to help, to provide that help. My logic was that my goal could be implemented from any organization. I still believe that I can create opportunities to reach underserved audiences in almost any museum – and it’s one of the things I specifically look for during interviews.

But if I’m not getting a museum job immediately, if I’m going to settle for an office job, why not hope for an office job in an organization that will get my foot in the door of addressing poverty? It could lead to any number of benefits in the long run.

In other news, I got to see Rachel and Co today…. wonderful and unexpected. We went to the 86th floor of the Empire State Building and blew bubbles Then had lunch. Four hours of travel shouldn’t seem so far away, but without the money to make that trip, they do seem far away sometimes. I think Rachel is probably my oldest friend at this point…. I’ve known her for about 12 years now. Half my life. We’ve had our weekly learning session (shiur) for a steady 6 years. Seeing her and the family meant a lot to me and I’m grateful I had the chance.

I also finally reached out to some possible contacts for getting involved with children’s theater in the area. I’m trying to avoid a New York group – commuting into the City for all of my volunteering would be a pain – but we’ll see how it works out. I didn’t post about volunteering with Project Sunshine recently, but it was fantastic. We had a small group of kids, which kept it very manageable – there were only two of us and two or three hospital staff – and everyone had a great time! It’s definitely something I want to stay involved with. Hopefully I’ll get a job soon and have a regular schedule so I can plan volunteering and social activities in advance…. there are a bunch of crafts and walking meetups I want to sign up for as well but am waiting on til I have a job schedule.

“Does everyone have coffee and bagels? Now, I know meeting in a bookstore might be a little distracting for some of you, but the upshot is a discount on coffee and a chance to browse – after we conclude the meeting. Everyone understand?”

Heads nod around the table. One person shifts in her seat, glancing longingly towards the books, then focuses her attention.

“Good. The data team has put together some handouts; take one, pass it around.”
Nods to the data team representative. “Go ahead.”

Data Team Rep: “We’ve developed the following list of options. Keep in mind, most of these aren’t exclusive of the others. It would be relatively easy to pursue all of these options if that was the best route.
Your handout includes a list of pros and cons, and offers space for pros and cons you’d like to add. We’ll discuss those.
The first option is the “museum walk.” We already have an existing list of local museums following an outside recommendation that we distribute our information, in-person, to all museums, regardless of job openings. This option would simply require implementation.
The second option, also highly pushed by outside sources, is to approach temp agencies about office work. While we’ve tried this in the past, our new location might mean more accessible recruiters.
The third option is to approach chain stores or, generally, local businesses who might be hiring. This option has some limitations, since there are certain jobs we’re just not equipped to do. However, some chains offer full insurance to all employees, which is a definite benefit.
The fourth option that we have is to search listings on the synagogue listserv, Craigslist, Idealist, and other such websites. We’ve had some success with this in the past, although the high accessibility rate makes for more competition; these jobs often take longer to lead to interviews than handing in a chain store application typically does.
Fifth, and final, option, local AmeriCorps openings.”

One female employee leans over to the woman on her right and whispers “Cripes, this lunch is almost 700 calories!”
Her friend gives her a tight smile. “We’ll go to the gym today, I promise.”
First employee: “Just keep me away from that cheesecake, please!”
They both re-focus on the meeting.

Executive Director: “Pros? Cons?”

Data Team Rep: Pros of Option One: We’re specifically targeting our preferred audience. Cons – since the resumes aren’t going in for specific jobs, we have no timeframe to wait for a result. It’s fairly likely the resume would just get filed and forgotten even if there was an appropriate opening shortly after. It would require a lot of physical resources – printing, walking – and it would be impossible to tailor the resume since, again, there is no specific job opening. Does anyone have anything to add?

F2 whispers to F1: Lots of exercise, walking all over NYC toting resumes.
No one offers any further comments on Option One.

Data Team Rep: Very well, pros and cons of Option Two. Temp agencies, by nature of the work, won’t give any trouble in the event that you get a permanent job offer and want to leave the agency. They offer a range of timeframes and they have a wide audience – more options. And they specifically cater to office work that we have experience in.
Cons include an uncertain wait period, no reliability in terms of schedule, and no benefits.”

Executive Director’s cell phone vibrates. He stands off to the side, taking the call, while employees wait. The natural lighting dims, reflecting the low mood, and one employee rests his head on his palm in a gesture of slight defeat. The Executive Director steps back to the table after only a moment. “Still no word from California; no telling if there will be any today. Frankly, I’m not counting on any good news. Let’s continue with the meeting.”

Everyone shifts in their seat, shrugging off the phone call and re-focusing on the current options. The lighting subtly shifts back to normal.

Data Team Rep: “Okay. Option Two, any additional pros? Cons?”

Male employee speaks low to a female employee on his left “Maybe it’s like The Giver. One dream of uncertainty from someone on their team, and you’re out of the running.”

Female employee murmurs back to him “Let it go.”

Data Team Rep: Option Three. Pros include, in some cases, insurance. While the jobs aren’t very like museums, they are still customer service and involve more interaction and varied tasks than an office job typically does. The job is more permanent than a temp agency position, which could be both a pro and a con. While there is competition with college students, this is probably no different from competition with the other thousands of people out on the job market right now. Further cons include an irregular schedule, a limit to the jobs we’re equipped for, and it will be more difficult to leave if a better opportunity comes through – simply in that a short stint will show up on the background checks and might appear to be a red flag. However, given the nature of the job, this might not be a big issue when we return to an organization. Anyone think of any others?

Employee: Discounts on merchandise?
Employees around table express general agreement.
2nd Employee: They won’t care as much that out experience is so exclusively in nonprofits. Even with the office tasks on there, you can’t get past that on the resume.
3rd Employee: I’m not sure how big an issue that really is. I think we’d need more input before deciding if that’s a real issue.

Data Team Rep: Okay. Any further additions? Employees shake heads no. Alright. Everyone still with me? We’re almost done with this part. Option Four, something we’ve been pursuing for some time now with limited success.

Executive Director’s phone vibrates again. He glances at the number, frowns, and gets up to take it.
(employees lean towards their neighbors, glancing at the exec and speaking softly to one another)
Executive Director returns. “Just a side option on some website work. We’ll have to discuss it after I’ve gotten more details. One of those “if it makes money, you get some” deals.” Let’s get back to the main focus here. I know you’d all like a chance to move around and browse the books, so let’s finish up.”

Data Team Rep: “Option Four. There’s more access to job opportunities specifically related to our specialties and interests, with a broader reach since it offers nationwide opportunities. But there is also more competition. At a tentative analysis, though I know we aren’t up to this part, I would recommend continuing this route but no longer depending on it within any sort of timeframe. We need quicker results than this option has produced.
Murmurs of agreement around the table
Finally, Option Five. Again, job opportunities in nonprofits, although fewer in our specific fields of interest. Most positions come with some basic benefits, but not enough income to live independently in this area. The positions come with a specific term of contract – one year, generally – which is a benefit but could also be a difficulty if a position came along that was a better opportunity.”

Employee: Are any of those opportunities likely to produce enough income to live independently?

Data Team Rep: Probably not in the immediate future, unless something falls into our laps. But there’s no telling what might come up in the next 6 months, let alone year, and so a year obligation might limit our opportunities in ways that a temporary job through an agency or at a local business would not.

Executive Director: So unless it was a position that would very clearly benefit our experience in our fields of interest, probably not the ideal option. But we can give it a look in case such opportunities do exist. Does everyone agree?
General assent
Executive Director: Does anyone want to discuss the options? Otherwise let’s have a vote on the other four.
Employee: It really sounds to me like the options are all things we can do simultaneously, if we want to.
Executive Director: Fair enough. Does everyone agree?
General assent
Do we want to pursue all of the options?

….To be concluded later

Two friends have told me that I should still be applying to jobs. That California – or my friend’s offer – should not be my only choices, and that it’s up to me to create those other choices.

But I’ve spent the last year living as though I could move to another city any time. Waiting to start my life. And I’ve had some great experiences, but I couldn’t settle any real roots. All I’ve wanted in my life, besides to make a difference in this world, is some stability, a place in the world I know to be mine – defined by place, people, culture.

This week and last week are close to breaking points. I’m not just living as though I could move next month, but as though I could move next week. It helps that this week is largely taken up by volunteering with Habitat for Humanity, and I’m making a point of just focusing on pleasant thoughts and ignoring the topic of California altogether.

My friends are probably right. I’m sure there’s a trick to living your life and maintaining the possibility that you’ll leave soon, simultaneously.

I have two main childhood memories of Port Authority, the central bus station in NYC, both of which have played big roles in my interests ever since.

The first is the kinetic ball machine:

Kinetic Ball Machine (not my photo)

Seeing that machine was the highlight of my trips into the City with my Mum. We had one at the Science Center, too, which reawakened the interest during college. When it was quiet I’d spend hours figuring out the machine’s system and imagining one I could build myself someday.

The other memory is more serious. Port Authority sheltered many homeless people. Rushing through, holding my mother’s hand, I saw the people wrapped in blankets asleep or holding handwritten cardboard signs. It was my first exposure to homelessness, drug abuse, and all that goes with them. There’s a specific visual image that comes to mind whenever I encounter homelessness – or pass a specific corner in Port Authority – and I still remember my mother’s explanations about why it’s better to give money to organizations than to the individuals directly. It’s a conversation I’ve had over and over again in the years since. About homeless people, and about other issues – the question has been a constant in my life: how do you balance reaching many with the need to help individuals?

The questions that started in that memory go further. I can’t work in an organization without looking for ways to reach the underserved audience. I can’t, and won’t, ignore the people who don’t have the resources to enjoy or utilize what an organization offers. I’m not sure I could work outside of nonprofits, but the questions exist even within nonprofits.

I have certain beliefs that I’ve never put fully into words, but that drive me nonetheless. There’s a quote by Sartre:

“Man is condemned to be free. Condemned because he has not created himself- and is nevertheless free. Because having once been hurled into the world, he is responsible for everything he does.”

And another, engraved at Arlington Cemetery:

“It is from numberless diverse acts of courage and belief that human history is shaped. Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring, those ripples build a current that can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance.”
Robert Kennedy
South Africa, 1966

I believe in accountability and responsibility, and I believe we make the choice to uphold those values each day, each moment. I believe that we are a web of human interconnectedness, and that my smile to someone on the subway could through chain effect change humanity.

And I believe that one doesn’t have to be in nonprofits to help “save the world,” nor in nonprofits directly dealing with the core issues today… and there are so many issues, it’s hard to know where to start. But I still struggle with that question of how to best be part of the changes that need to occur.

I’m at a place right now where I have two avenues opening to me, and I may have to choose which one I pursue. And they both leave me struggling with the question: will I be able to create opportunities to reach those who are most desperate?

I’ve never been much of a night person. It usually takes a few days for being up late to not make me cranky.

But lately, I’ve found that night is my best time. I’m not sure why – maybe sleepiness makes me more open, and less distracted/tense; maybe it’s the result of having a good day; maybe it’s being in those in-between hours when time doesn’t really mean the same thing, and so can’t drag on interminably or race ahead.

But in the late hours, I can jobhunt without feeling bored or stressed. I realize I’m in an awkward place professionally – need a job to get experience, need experience to get a job. But at night, it’s simply easy to have faith that it will all work out.

I like knowing that my roommate is sleeping just across the hall; it gives me a sense of companionship. I like knowing it’s dark and quiet outside; it feels peaceful.

It’s a little sad to know that it will all change, in some way or other, in the next few months. But I think I’ve made a friend in my roommate who may last me for life, and I’ve learned strength and skills that will carry me through the coming changes.