I don’t consciously spend a lot of time thinking about the far future, but there is a part of my mind that pops up frequently with images. Some of it is probably hormones, some of it reaction to the things around me.

So I have spent a little time here and there indulging in quick mental images of holiday season. Overseeing three kids sitting around the wooden kitchen table, coloring holiday cards. Cooking special holiday meals, letting a 4-year old stir the spices into a pot of apple cider. Throwing together a few treats for a gathering of family or friends. Helping a 6-year old handwrite thank you letters. Introducing my kids to volunteering.

But this holiday season has been good and busy so far. I volunteered on Tuesday – giftwrapping to raise money for Habitat. Was a lot of fun – I LOVE giftwrapping and chatting with the people. A guy I went out with twice happened to come by, so I’ve officially survived my first awkward-seeing-the-guy-you-never-heard-from-again event. It wasn’t that bad, really; I was mentally prepared (statistically, most paranoias must be probable at some level…). I ended up volunteering an extra 2.5 hours because some people didn’t show.

Tomorrow is our staff holiday brunch, and a small gathering later… I’m going to both, and have food to take – one kugel (baked pudding) for the brunch, and one chocolate pudding cake for each event. My gifts and cards are done and waiting to be loaded in the car. UPS almost ruined my life today by messing up a package delivery of my boss’s gift, but my sister came through!

The last weeks have been fun. Everyone talking about what to give others. Being teasingly secretive about what one another is getting. I think my coworkers will love their gifts. Here’s hoping

The snow fell in big puffs, like smoke pouring backward from the sky to the ground. The sky was silent, gray, looming.

A quick flip of the switch and the room became warm and friendly as the glowering sky retreated from the lights. She hurried in quickly. In preparing everything for her housewarming, she’d left the bookcases for last, but she had a half hour now to decide which books to unpack first.

She quickly cut open the tape on the first box. She smiled as she looked inside, and ran her fingers lightly over the spines. Fairy tales. She hesitated – would her neighbors understand an adult loving fairy tales? What message did she want her bookcase to convey to her new neighbors?

Who doesn’t love fairy tales, she decided, and gave them the shelf just below the middle – not too high for children, not too low for adults. Maybe one of her neighbors had children. They’d stop by after school for a muffin and a story….

Next came non-fiction, stories about all the social issues she hoped to help change. Those were definitely going in the bookcase. Second highest shelf, just above the reach of younger children, but in sight for the teenagers and adults. Philosophy came next, fitting comfortably next to the non-fiction.

Just enough time for one more shelf – she opened the box and frowned. Cookbooks. Did she really want those in this room, rather than the kitchen? Was there a place in the kitchen for them? She grabbed a few and went to see.

There was the counterspace…. but she needed that for preparing food. Windowsill? But she wanted the light. She settled for putting them in the bookshelf, but promised to think of a better solution later.

She stashed the opened boxes, did a quick survey of all the rooms – was everything in place? The kitchen table was close to full, but she’d left some open spots – Mrs. M– downstairs had promised to bring pie, and some of the other neighbors might bring food as well, so she had dishes on hand. Her mug tree was full, and although she had coffee brewing she was willing to bet her neighbors would want to try her home-pressed cider.

She took a deep breath. This was going to go well. The walls were colorful and warm, the dishes were bright, the food smelled wonderful, and the entire apartment smelled like perfectly spiced cider. If nothing else, the food would be a hit.

To be continued…

The rain came down in sheets at times, but we played. On the one hand – INSANE! On the other hand, if they’d rescheduled to Sunday I wouldn’t have been able to make the game and it’s supposed to rain anyhow.

The Soccer Moms brought me a chair! All season I’ve been sitting on the ground in the line of Soccer Moms. But they brought me a chair this time! I know I’m truly part of the team now.

We cheered and screamed and called out names. The boys scored 4 goals and the other team only scored their one goal in the second half. WE WON THE CHAMPIONSHIP!!!! And amazingly, we won every single game this season! Maybe I’m good luck

So what do I do with my life now??

Lol. Fortunately, there’s a month of indoor soccer – though I don’t know if my work schedule will allow me to make all the games. And I do have other things to be excited about. I’m incredibly excited to go to work tomorrow. And I love how I get home after work and not only feel like I’ve had a successful day, but I have plenty of time to get some of my personal projects done.

Funny, the boys aren’t here tonight. The first night in two weeks that Rock Band isn’t blasting over my head at 10pm. But I’m so hyped from the game, sleep might take a while anyways.

Years ago, when I lived in this same town as a child, a young married couple moved into the house next door.

They had a dog and cats – and I think they had a baby, but oddly enough I can’t remember for certain. Maybe because at that time, in this community, it was assumed that a young married couple buying their first house probably had a baby – so my brain has skipped over that detail.

I didn’t spend much time around them. They moved in just before we left the state.

But I do remember that they threw a housewarming party and invited all the neighbors. It made a very strong impression on me – the idea of opening your doors, welcoming everyone in, and making yourself part of your new community. I was only about ten years old, but I’ve always remembered that – and thought that I’d like to do that. I’d like to become the house where all the neighborhood kids drop by after school to say hi and have a cookie or pet the dog; I’d like to draw people into my home and make my kitchen and living room an extension of the community.

So I suppose it’s ironic that I haven’t met any of my sister’s neighbors. At first it was because of the temporary nature of the situation, but that rule doesn’t really hold anymore – I’ve decided to live and never wait until “later” for no good reason. I can’t live my life on hold, so I’m not. Besides, friends can stay in touch well beyond state lines, if I were to move far away.

So to be honest, it’s two things that have held me back. One is that it seems awkward to introduce myself and make friends with the neighbors if my sister isn’t going to feel similarly and open her home. Two is that… well, it still seems risky to me to trust strangers, even the ones living next door. I’m still figuring out how to best navigate that issue, since I refuse to spend the rest of my life in isolation from my surrounding community!

Anyways, I did finally meet some neighbors last night. They invited me and my sister to a meal this weekend. My sister asked to schedule it for a week when the boys will be with us, but it’s still progress.

It’s funny, actually. I know it’s been long in the making – months, really – but it feels like in the space of a week my life has suddenly become full of people. I don’t think an hour goes by without some form of contact with someone – my girlfriends, my sister, my friend from Habitat…. it’s almost overwhelming ocassionally. With people comes noise and mood and drama. But even when I need quiet moments, I’m grateful. I didn’t make many good friends in Pittsburgh, so it’s been a pretty lonely year since I left Baltimore. I’m not lonely anymore. I’ve learned that in the right places, I can make friends pretty easily. And I’ve learned that if I don’t inhibit myself – don’t put off ideas just because they are silly or random – then there’s a lot of joy to be had in the world.

So even though I feel sad when I think about moving – leaving behind soccer nights and some much-loved places and people – I know I’ll be able to do this again. Make friends, make a home, make a life.

What theorem would allow you to determine the circumference of an unfriendly, clawed koala bear at its fattest point?

What kind of triangle describes the shape of a kangaroo’s ears?

Doesn’t sound like I’m using my education to help my friend get into studying for his G-MAT, does it? But the truth is, I really am. One, because he’s been frustrated and was feeling a little unmotivated, but mostly because we remember information so much better if it amuses us or otherwise engages your emotions. I learned to use application in elementary school, when you always had to put your spelling or vocab words into sentences. I was creative and always tried to not just find a sentence, but find a good sentence (yes, yes, I’m an overachiever). And it always broke up the stress of a test if a question suddenly reminded me of something funny from studying. A little laughter would help my focus, since stress tends to make my head noisy.

I think I also felt some sympathy for the teacher who had to read through our tests. If my sentences could amuse them, why not try to?

Grad school and later reading only confirmed what I had known for years. As a writer, I’d always been aware of the role emotion plays in making your writing strong, memorable, and effective. And as a student, I’d spent years honing my study techniques. I love learning, and in a way that makes me more aware of what techniques work and what don’t – because if even I can’t get into the subject matter, then something isn’t working.

It’s funny. Even just trying to help my friend get into his G-MAT study mode via text message gave me a chance to feel that spark that drew me to museums and teaching. It’s all about finding ways to make information accessible – an enjoyable, interesting, worthwhile, lasting learning experience. Teaching taps into both my planning/analytical skills and my creativity, and that’s something I love about it.

It’s Wednesday, but I haven’t gotten any job apps out yet this week. Everything was on hold while I made a decision about AmeriCorps.

Deciding not to take the AmeriCorps position was hard. It made me feel like I’m back at Square 1…. and made me question what my priorities are. Are you supposed to take the harder path to reach great things? Is the part of me that wants to be responsible and financially secure the socially trained part that will hold me back? I don’t know.

But I’ve been making a different sort of progress. I’ve made contact with two professionals in my field, and have reached out to several more. I learned of a professional organization in the area to join. I’ve reconnected with a few old friends. I’ve made a new friend, and hopefully taken a step to soldifying a friendship with a person I met through Habitat a month ago (nothing like fresh baked cake to bond, right?). And I’ve become a real part of the team at Habitat – I’ve even got a nickname

So maybe I’m slowly finding ways to fill another necessity. One of my friends likes to refer to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs a lot…. friendship is actually mid-level there, after financial security and such. But it’s still a lower-level need that has to be filled before you can “move up.” I’m not entirely sure I agree with the levels… but then, I need intellectual stimulation and creativity like food. In any case, I badly want to make friends locally and I’m really hopeful that it’s happening.

Whoever coined the term “hope springs eternal” didn’t know me. Hope doesn’t spring like a rabbit or flow like a spring of water.

It flares. It’s a fire in the heart, in the hands, in the mind.

I’ve decided to hold off on unpacking. Not getting a job in my field doesn’t mean I won’t possibly still get a salaried job that pays enough to get an apartment.

My hope – the fire that flares up at the smallest hint of fuel – is that I can get a job in any number of non profits or social profits focusing their efforts on issues related to poverty and either/both health and education.

From the start, my goal with museums was to reach out to underserved audiences, to find ways to provide important resources and inspirational/educational opportunities to the people who need it most and to provide opportunities and inspiration to people who have the resources to help, to provide that help. My logic was that my goal could be implemented from any organization. I still believe that I can create opportunities to reach underserved audiences in almost any museum – and it’s one of the things I specifically look for during interviews.

But if I’m not getting a museum job immediately, if I’m going to settle for an office job, why not hope for an office job in an organization that will get my foot in the door of addressing poverty? It could lead to any number of benefits in the long run.

In other news, I got to see Rachel and Co today…. wonderful and unexpected. We went to the 86th floor of the Empire State Building and blew bubbles Then had lunch. Four hours of travel shouldn’t seem so far away, but without the money to make that trip, they do seem far away sometimes. I think Rachel is probably my oldest friend at this point…. I’ve known her for about 12 years now. Half my life. We’ve had our weekly learning session (shiur) for a steady 6 years. Seeing her and the family meant a lot to me and I’m grateful I had the chance.

I also finally reached out to some possible contacts for getting involved with children’s theater in the area. I’m trying to avoid a New York group – commuting into the City for all of my volunteering would be a pain – but we’ll see how it works out. I didn’t post about volunteering with Project Sunshine recently, but it was fantastic. We had a small group of kids, which kept it very manageable – there were only two of us and two or three hospital staff – and everyone had a great time! It’s definitely something I want to stay involved with. Hopefully I’ll get a job soon and have a regular schedule so I can plan volunteering and social activities in advance…. there are a bunch of crafts and walking meetups I want to sign up for as well but am waiting on til I have a job schedule.

Two friends have told me that I should still be applying to jobs. That California – or my friend’s offer – should not be my only choices, and that it’s up to me to create those other choices.

But I’ve spent the last year living as though I could move to another city any time. Waiting to start my life. And I’ve had some great experiences, but I couldn’t settle any real roots. All I’ve wanted in my life, besides to make a difference in this world, is some stability, a place in the world I know to be mine – defined by place, people, culture.

This week and last week are close to breaking points. I’m not just living as though I could move next month, but as though I could move next week. It helps that this week is largely taken up by volunteering with Habitat for Humanity, and I’m making a point of just focusing on pleasant thoughts and ignoring the topic of California altogether.

My friends are probably right. I’m sure there’s a trick to living your life and maintaining the possibility that you’ll leave soon, simultaneously.

This blog post is brought to you courtesy of Starbucks, without which I would currently be incoherent and/or falling asleep.

The good thing about having a destination is that you don’t feel aimless; the good thing about not having a deadline to get there is that you get to enjoy the trip. That’s not a metaphor… it’s just my experience from this weekend. I walked from Port Authority to Union Square. I went primarily to check out the Farmer’s Market and meet a friend, but it became a very relaxed day with lots of little surprises.

I love walking through the fabric stores of the Fashion District – all the window displays of texture and color and contrast. Just a few blocks from Port Authority I popped into a book store – its name is misleading; it has books on photography, comedy, art of all kinds (I found a book on Chagall), a full selection of Shakespeare, books on using drama in the classroom… and on and on.

Drama Book Shop

Made another random stop into a greenhouse – it didn’t have the full greenhouse experience – the humid air full of scent – but I got some photos.

The other good thing about having a destination is that you can make yourself wait for food. I really wanted to see what the Market offered, and it paid off. I’ve been wanting an apple turnover for a week, and I finally had one – definitely worth the wait!

Beyond the turnover, the Market was smaller than I expected – perhaps it reaches the “70 vendors” level in Autumn. But I enjoyed it and it definitely gave me a sense of the audience they cater to – this sign might be a cynical commentary on that:

"Attn New Yorkers: Eggs do not come from cows. Eggs are not dairy."

Cynical commentary aside, the Market obviously catered to a vegan and “natural foods” crowd – lots of vegan baked goods, wheatgrass, etc. But also loads of fresh cider, fruits, and vegetables. Also plenty of art vendors and even –

Free Hugs

Besides the food I ate there, I didn’t buy anything – including en route to the Market! (and including the free hugs. I was a little suspicious about those.) I did see some very cute things I considered for friends and family, but I was good…. I did take some photos, though (big surprise) – like these wax frogs! There were wax dragons, too, but the frogs were better.

Wax Frogs

There was plenty else to see and do… a magician walked up and asked to practice his show on me and a few others nearby. There were chess games – I considered getting a lesson in chess, but wasn’t sure if I’d have enough time til I met my friend. There was a human statue – I haven’t seen those since I was a kid at RennFest. When I got tired of the busyness, I pulled out my book on the park lawn or slipped into Barnes and Noble, where I met George, who is taking a fashion photography class and shared his booklist with me. Since one of his books wasn’t available at B&N, I told him about the Drama Book Shop. Funny little chance encounters. A model from England and her actor boyfriend. A man wearing a hat similar to mine from Lesotho. And so on.

I met my friend late – she had some trouble making it courtesy public transport – but she treated me to a latte so that worked out just fine :-p

It’s a bit of an odd match. We’re total opposites for the most part, at least in the most obvious ways. Maybe it’s like yin and yang, in that we each have qualities the other admires and so we seek one another out.

Maybe it just works out well because I can drag her out of jewelry shops and she can drag me out of bookstores. Ha.

But she’s another one of these people who see some great potential in me and wants it directed. Wants me to use it and stop wasting time. And she’s another person with a lofty goal, for whom everything boils back down to that goal that’s going to change the world. She looks at me and sees a world-changing energy, force, power, ability.

I should be flattered, but it comes closer to frustration. I’ve grown a great deal in the last year, but I haven’t reached the place these people have been asking me to. Not yet. I commented to her that the majority of these people – these people I find who push me and guide me – seem to be Black. She laughed and said I attract them and my vibe is all “sister.” Maybe I was Black in a past life…. Anyways, she gave me a lot to think about. But for the most part it was a quiet evening, just enjoying one another’s company and the summer night.

Getting home was something of a challenge…. the bus was nearly an hour late, and it wasn’t my usual bus. I’m grateful for a friendly bus driver who helped me find the right stop. I got home close to 3am.

Continuing with the weekend…. after I left Starbucks (where I wrote all the above), I headed to the Hackensack Greenway. I met the President of the local Board of Education and talked with him for a while – then solved two people’s problems – the President needed worms; another man had never fished at the river and seemed a bit lost and lonely, but happened to have worms. So I left them enjoying one another’s worms and companionship. Then walking back I met two birders, and we three met the President of the Friends of the Greenway. Series of pleasant chances.

Dragonfly (cell phone picture)

I learned some things there that disturbed me – about people not entirely understanding how the poisons in the river can impact their health. I’m getting verification of my concerns before I figure out what to do.

It’s funny. Last night I told my friend I probably wasn’t doing anything today. Apparently “doing nothing” means something different from “nothing”! I like what it means instead :-p

My sister and her sons are probably headed to Harry Potter tonight… I’ll probably watch Yes Man again at home and catch up with Anne Marie by phone. I haven’t done an ASL video in a month, which displeases me, so perhaps I’ll make that finally happen.

Okay…. I’m leaning towards making baked ziti, though I’m not entirely determined on that. I might go crazy and make dessert, too. And fresh bread and salad, for that matter. Have I mentioned I have Jewish Mother’s Syndrome? Come hungry.

So the menu is almost finished. I’m going to make fresh Herb Bread, baked ziti, and strawberry/mango salad. I was going to make cherry clafoutis for dessert, and pick up ice cream, but I checked and my friends don’t favor cherries. So I now need: (a) another excuse to make clafoutis and (b) a new dessert.

I’ve informed my roommate that there will most likely be volumes of leftovers and I expect she and her boyfriend to help with them.

I’ve thoroughly cleaned my bathroom. On the one hand, I’ve been meaning to clean it; on the other hand, I really hope someone uses it and notices how clean it is! :-p

I haven’t made the Herb Bread in several years, but it got a lot of good reviews back in the day, and my neighbor even asked for some for her husband’s birthday one year… so it should be good. However, the recipe makes three LARGE loaves. When you third a bread recipe, do you third everything in it? The baked ziti, of course, is second nature by now.

The salad I haven’t actually made myself before, but it’s pretty basic.

I was going to go to book club in the morning, then get groceries and start cooking, but I really haven’t gotten far enough in the books… I think it would be rude to go when I’ve read so little.

Plus that means I can stay up late cleaning my room. I had Coca-Cola this afternoon, and either the caffeine or the deadline is kicking in. I suspect the “gotta-get-this-place-clean” is what’s doing it. My roommate laughed at me for pressuring myself. But this is my first time entertaining in Pittsburgh. I’ve got to make a name for myself, right?!