You’d think it would have happened before now, but I’m starting to become much more budget conscious. See, in Pittsburgh, the cost of living was really low. I could live on 18k/year easily. And since I got a job almost immediately in Pittsburgh, I didn’t have to break a sweat too much. My costs were covered by my paychecks without much conscious effort.

But I’ve figured out that I’m pretty lucky: most of my favorite foods, the ones I happily eat every day, come in bulk and at low cost. My oatmeal? Only costs $4 and makes 30 meals. The spices and fruit I add in cost a bit more, but they also come in many-meal quantities.

As much as I love Farmer’s Markets, I’m still grateful for the local fruit and vegetable store – I can get Golden Delicious apples for 79-99 cents per pound, and four meals’ worth of broccoli for $2. And three cucumbers for $1 is also normal.

I’ve been indulging in wraps – have to admit that sliced bread goes a lot farther, so it’s fortunate that I’m flexible on the “wrap vs. sandwich” question.

Yogurts are only about 80 cents, and I like them frozen almost as much as I like ice cream and real frozen yogurt.

And of course, tea and honey don’t cost too much and go a long way So long as I mostly stick to my own tea and stay out of Starbucks!

So on the food front, I do pretty well. It’s books that are my weakness…. I’m trying to use the library as much as possible, but the system here isn’t as good as it was in Pittsburgh. Still, there’s a library in walking distance and that’s something to be happy about.

Money aside, I’ll be grateful to have a job again. I find it difficult to organize my day without a job… harder to indulge in pleasure activities without having done work. And scheduling anything is out the window until I have a work schedule.

Starbucks is hiring…. and they offer benefits to even part-time employees. But I’m going to hold out and see if the job placement agency comes through with anything before jumping the gun on a food service job. Don’t get me wrong…. I could learn to love working at Starbucks. But if I can get an office job, it’d likely be preferable on a number of levels, and look a bit better on my resume despite the customer service experience at Starbucks. Plus there’s the possibility that an office job might pay enough for me to get an apartment… I’m still holding out for that hope.

Two friends have told me that I should still be applying to jobs. That California – or my friend’s offer – should not be my only choices, and that it’s up to me to create those other choices.

But I’ve spent the last year living as though I could move to another city any time. Waiting to start my life. And I’ve had some great experiences, but I couldn’t settle any real roots. All I’ve wanted in my life, besides to make a difference in this world, is some stability, a place in the world I know to be mine – defined by place, people, culture.

This week and last week are close to breaking points. I’m not just living as though I could move next month, but as though I could move next week. It helps that this week is largely taken up by volunteering with Habitat for Humanity, and I’m making a point of just focusing on pleasant thoughts and ignoring the topic of California altogether.

My friends are probably right. I’m sure there’s a trick to living your life and maintaining the possibility that you’ll leave soon, simultaneously.

It’s funny. I always cook too much food. I often wish for people to cook for.

And yet I found it a slightly bizarre experience when, last night, I was keeping an eye on two males (one 9, one nearly 15) and making baked ziti and garlic bread to feed 5 family members – 3 of whom were boys aged 9, 13, and almost 15 (the 45 year old boy wanted some baked ziti, too, but had a dinner appointment).

Part of my job in education is to adapt quickly to different age groups, learning levels, maturity stages. But with family, with long-term relationships, it feels different. I imagine that the role you take with your children comes more naturally when you go through the stages – starting with them as a baby, adjusting to their changing demands as they age. Over the last few days, I’ve been making an effort to take an adult role, mostly around the 9 year old.

There are limitations, of course. I’m not his parent and I don’t have the credibility of one. But if we’re on the packed subway, or walking in the Bronx, or everyone else is out and I’m overseeing dinner – I’m learning to orient myself around a “young man” (he hates “child” or “little person”) such that he feels independent but is always within reach when we’re around strangers, learning to manage that continuous multitask of watching him from the back of my head and the corner of my eye, figuring out the best bargaining techniques over dessert and dinner, continuously trying to evaluate whether I’m treating him appropriately for his age. I’m learning to listen for his laugh and check his face for signs of fatigue (though convincing him to sleep is probably still beyond me), and finding chances for him to practice reading English, and trying to pull out quick facts he might like.

As I transition more and more fully into the world where nothing is black and white, I’m also learning how you interact on a long-term basis with children – for whom the world can still be very much black and white.

I’m a bit surprised – and somewhat pleased – that he seems unhappy that I’m leaving tomorrow. He keeps asking why I didn’t arrange to leave the same day he and his father leave. He’s going over my flight details right now, examining my printout for every detail. I can imagine him bothering his father to figure out which side of the plane I’m on, whether the plane they see taking off is the one I’m on, whether he thinks I got a window seat and can see them from the plane.

Today was one of those rough days where nothing seems to go right, and everything that could go wrong seems to happen.

This culminated in my making a pretty big mistake at my volunteer site. They were fairly nice about it, though very strict in their correction. In a way, that’s good; I’d much, much prefer a clear correction of a specific mistake than vague criticism (which is what I got instead at my last job).

I have this perception of myself as very on top of things, competent. One of the things I’ve had to learn is that when you are new to something – a lifestyle, an organization, a job – you’re not going to be perfectly efficient, on top of things, or competent. That’s natural as you learn. It’s like driving in a new neighborhood; it takes a while to learn the shortcuts, to figure out the best way from A to B to C, and for a while you’re so distracted by learning your way around that you forget one or two things on your grocery list and to stop by the cleaners.

Today I pulled out a related, important lesson. It’s one I’ve been picking up here and there, and crystallized for me today: Pick yourself back up.

I hate letting people down, I hate giving people a poor impression of me, I hate doing poorly. And it’s easy to want to run away when those things happen.

But those things happen to everyone. Everyone makes big mistakes. Everyone feels embaressed sometime. So all you can really do is give yourself a moment to pull it back together and calm down, learn from the mistake, and keep going. One mistake doesn’t define you. One mistake doesn’t end the experience.

As a general rule, I need to work on the being patient with myself thing, the gentle but firm correction thing. Change doesn’t come easily, and we all slip up at times. Very few of those slip-ups are going to have much impact across the lifespan. So pick yourself back up, learn, and keep going.

I’ve never been much of a night person. It usually takes a few days for being up late to not make me cranky.

But lately, I’ve found that night is my best time. I’m not sure why – maybe sleepiness makes me more open, and less distracted/tense; maybe it’s the result of having a good day; maybe it’s being in those in-between hours when time doesn’t really mean the same thing, and so can’t drag on interminably or race ahead.

But in the late hours, I can jobhunt without feeling bored or stressed. I realize I’m in an awkward place professionally – need a job to get experience, need experience to get a job. But at night, it’s simply easy to have faith that it will all work out.

I like knowing that my roommate is sleeping just across the hall; it gives me a sense of companionship. I like knowing it’s dark and quiet outside; it feels peaceful.

It’s a little sad to know that it will all change, in some way or other, in the next few months. But I think I’ve made a friend in my roommate who may last me for life, and I’ve learned strength and skills that will carry me through the coming changes.

I’ve started getting the “we’ve received your application and are beginning to review all applicants” messages.

Not much more to say on that front for the moment.

Today was stressful. I made a choice, had nearly made my peace with it- before finding out the situation is far more complicated than I’d been told. To boil it down… I have the choice to commit to something that is not enough, or to possibly lose it entirely. It’s not that I couldn’t learn the patience to be satisfied with “not enough”, but the “not enough” involves not enough income to live on, and poor chances of that changing in the next year- or even the next year and half. So it becomes: the choice to have some of what I want, and be on the path to something very good, but possibly have serious difficulty managing to live- or to have to start over.

It actually annoys me that one thing nagging me in this situation is that I’ve already formed emotional investments in several of my projects. I want to see them through, I want to learn from their trial, I want to grow through doing them. Because they are mine. And those projects are going to standstill until I make a further decision, because my choice will determine if they happen at all. Just like I want a place to make mine- a home, an office- those projects are mine.

I need to make a pro/con list. I’m sorry to be vague, but it’s the Internet.

Tonight was perfect, though. I was co-manning an information table at an elementary school science fair, helping kids make bird feeders- the pinecone or bagel kind. It’s funny because I went in very lighthearted, and even though my co-staffer would have been the perfect person to commiserate with on social issues, I remained very lighthearted- possibly even flippant. There’s simply a limit to the stress level I’ll take.

I’m proud to say we were one of the most popular tables at the fair. Okay, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be proud of that- but we WERE continuously occupied- with a fairly long line- from 6 til 8, and were even more popular than the bubble activity nearby (I can be proud of that because that wasn’t a kid’s project, so it’s not like we were stealing from a student). Families came out of the fair to find us and make birdfeeders (okay, maybe we stole a little attention from some kids’ projects…). I never imagined birdfeeders to be so popular. I find it funny, the kids old enough to have stylish hair but young enough to make birdfeeders. Why can’t we do that well into adulthood, maintain our ability to be children?

My neck ached from two hours of leaning to be eye level with elementary kids- but I’d gladly do it once every month. I wish I’d gotten a chance to see the projects, and watch the Science Center show that followed. I want to go to local school sports games, I love watching kiddie soccer practice at Schenley Park on weekend mornings. Do those get listed in the newspaper? I have to find out.

I’m going to start with a few “everyday” updates, then get onto the things I’m thinking about.

I did the bulk of training for the Environmental Education Center. Unfortunately, since I’m full time until November at the museum and the winter is pretty quiet at the EEC, I won’t get many hours besides a few nights and weekends until April. However, it’ll give me time to study. Most of the training is geared towards “how do you teach”, not “what do you teach”…. this is a problem for me, since I know how to teach but don’t have the science knowledge. So I’m going to need to design my own curriculum, somewhat. I don’t think my supervisor really gets that, or appreciates that I have to give priority to the museum. But I’m going to look out for myself.

After training today I went to a picnic. I knew two of my friends were planning to go and I don’t turn down free food. It turned out to be a very small gathering, but I stayed about 2.5 hours and had fun. I’m better at Ultimate Frisbee than I expected… and I definitely made up for the low amount of fat I consume in my normal diet!! And I’m feeling like somehow (okay, fine, because I made it happen) these two girls and I have become a semi-trio, and I’m enjoying that.

It actually felt a little odd to be at the picnic and not really have anything pressing to do. Of course NOW I can think of several things I should have thought of doing afterwards, but I didn’t then….

Oh, a side note, I learned that lettuce doesn’t defrost well.

Okay, we’re up to the things I’m thinking about.

There’s a popular type of article. It’s been around for years. It’s the “how to live and be fulfilled” article. It outlines steps: Eat well and exercise. See friends at least twice a week. Etc, etc. Simple steps that make life seem like an equation anyone can succeed at with the right scheduling.

Admittedly I have stress in my life that can offset the benefits of those things. But I’ve realized, with a little help, that there’s something much more basic that I’m struggling with: I’ve lost track of my passion and my inspiration in the last few weeks. Some of that may be stress, and some is because my priority is to get into the field so that I can then build my way to the kind of work I want to do, but some of it is that neither my passion nor my inspiration were fully defined in the first place.

Since I was a child, I’ve wanted to help people and “save the world”. Sociology introduced me more clearly to “social problems” and my family background grew the belief in me that education is key. I figured out that museums offered a career path and I believed- still do- that museums can be sources of major change, able to do things that schools don’t have the flexibility to do. And I love the work, so that’s a major plus.

I’ve been frustrated because while others seem so impressed with what I’ve achieved, it’s the drive to do more than what I see being done- to step out and do more than just BE inspired, but to INSPIRE and, more, to CREATE change…. that’s what sets one apart and that’s what I haven’t made myself do.

But what’s the change I want to create? My training is audience-centric; I thought I’d learn the audience’s needs and build around that. But who defines the audience? Who defines which need I’m best equipped to help with?

And maybe that’s where my passion comes in. The world is too big, the world has too many problems, to solve every one. But if I find the audience and the need I feel most passionate about- passion doesn’t always equal capability, but passion and inspiration will enable me to get a lot more done- and feel like I’m doing something meaningful- and make me happier- more than anything else could.

And I wonder if inspiration isn’t always related to one’s focus. I’ve never entirely understood the human need for art- even though I’m obsessed with dance and I enjoy other forms of art. But art does inspire me. And maybe dance doesn’t have to be related to my work to still be a source of inspiration. Though sometimes it is- I own a poster of Renoir’s Dance at Bougival specifically because Robert Coles talks about the piece inspiring a family who were living in poverty- I bought it as a reminder to myself, when I was with an institution that wasn’t driven to reach out further to the under-served community.

In any case, I have a lot of thinking to do. But I always welcome opportunities for growth, and I’m taking this as one. In many ways- both thinking about who I am and what I want to do, but also seeking out growth and learning experiences to help me as I think. I’m not sure I’m patient enough to wait until I feel sure- I’m more tempted to “try on” different things and see what feels right. If I can pitch the right ideas, there are so many opportunities from a museum.

Pittsburgh in fog- this morning

Not such a lot to post about. I’ve been caught up in the everyday errands (especially because the power outage necessitated extra trips to the supermarket) and letting them keep me from running track and going to the Farmer’s Market, so I need to stop that. Tomorrow I leave work early to go to the car dealership, so hopefully afterwards I can go run track and get fresh produce. My mood would be considerably better if I was doing those things regularly.

I shocked (doesn’t seem too strong a word from her face) a higher-up today with my progress in my workload. On the one hand, I’m pleased… but on the other, it really does confuse me. Am I really that much faster than the average person? Or is it just because I have less work, and am I setting myself up to be expected of that same speed when I’m balancing many more projects at once? Oh well… it is what it is. I’ve been told to expect a lot of extra hours as the new exhibit nears opening… I’m a little apprehensive, expecting everyone’s stress level to be high- but it’ll be an important new experience. I don’t know why, but I find it amusing to see everyone stopping every few hours over a period of several days to examine three printouts of possible exhibit logos.

The timesheet is an odd thing. I’m allowed to go overtime in one department, but not another- except that it sounds like no matter how careful I am, the computer will give the overtime to the department I’m not allowed to have overtime for- I hope that’s just a misunderstanding on my part! My entire concept of planning ahead is slowly developing into something new. I’m used to being able to generalize ahead, but for this project, ten weeks is a very immediate time frame. And at the same time, I have projects with no set deadline- or projects with a deadline a year from now. I had to make myself a single-sheet calendar listing now through the exhibit opening in November just to help myself visualize the time span properly, and to keep track of my progress. I’m supposed to get another project for the exhibit tomorrow- only heightening my desire to be quick with the current one.

Speaking of which, I’d best get to bed… up before 6 tomorrow.

Yesterday:

I spent some time at the Botanic Gardens today imagining what a dog would smell on my hands tonight. Lavender… apple… lemon verbana…. sweat, and soap…

It was a nice way to spend a few hours, cutting lavender and harvesting lemon verbana leaves. Across the street, someone was playing jazz (well, admittedly some of it was the Flinstone’s theme song, but it was played jazz-style…)

I found out the track that I thought was part of a private school is actually a public park- with fields, tennis courts, track… it’s great. I’m holding myself back in running so that I don’t lose interest or max out too quickly- I only let myself do a mile.

Today:

I’d written that much, and was listening to the wind suddenly rising outside, when the power blew. This post’s title is an exaggeration- the power outage did last 23.5 hours, but I was at work most of the day and they did have power.

I have some notable comments from work today:

“That’s why we love you.”

“I love our email conversations!”

“This is great. It’s exactly what I had in mind.”

On the less happy side, I found out how much I’m being paid per hour. Let’s just say money won’t be a motivating factor in this job. I’m feeling a little foolish for having felt more financially secure just because I had a job.. but I’m trying to focus on the big picture, which is that I’ve got a job with a great team at a well established, wonderful museum. If I could have asked for anything, professionally, to have happened a month out of grad school, there’s no question this would be it. So I’ll have to be a little careful, a little strict with myself. Put off the knee-high boots I wanted to buy But I have the things that matter- a good job with great coworkers, a place to live, and soup to eat! :-p