“In moments of discouragement, defeat, or even despair, there are always certain things to cling to. Little things usually: remembered laughter, the face of a sleeping child, a tree in the wind – in fact, any reminder of something deeply felt or dearly loved.
No man is so poor as not to have many of these small candles. When they are lighted, darkness goes away – and a touch of wonder remains.”
- “These Small Candles” …tombstone inscription in Britain

Last week was rough. I didn’t have work, I was rejected by two jobs, my car had trouble and I had to buy a new battery for it, and things generally felt difficult and lonely. The sun almost never came out. I couldn’t help running a lot of woulda-coulda-shouldas through my mind, mostly going back to high school and moving forward from there. If I’d started working weekends in high school so I had some real work experience. If I’d made friends with more healthy, stable people so I’d have a lasting support system and more experience with normal interaction. Lots of changes. It’s unusual for me to think that way, because to change one thing is to change everything. But last week, changing everything didn’t sound like a bad idea.

Today I had temp work, and it didn’t even matter that I had almost nothing job-related to do all day. I stayed productive, everyone was friendly, I earned money. I was able to come home and use the evening the way it’s meant to be used – get a second wind on a carb-heavy dinner, reconnect with family and friends, wind down with a funny Colbert Report, get some prep work done for a new volunteer project I’m super excited about, spend some time on the computer, etc. One of my friends is feeling hopeful-excited about a chance to reach her dreams, and that made me really happy and excited. And I had a very nice email back from a professional contact.

I connected with both my nephews tonight, which was great. Since one connection happened because of something I learned about at work today, I consider that a gift today gave me. (we’ll see how tomorrow goes; I have to be Adult on a school night while their mom is out of the house for a few hours – I’m torn between wanting to be a cool aunt and wanting to play mommy – for instance, do I buy takeout as a treat, or figure out the most balanced meal I can get them to eat?? lol….maybe I make a balanced meal but also bake cookies?)

I don’t have a lot of the things I’ve dreamed of for years…. but I do have some of them. I always wanted someone to cheer on at sports games, and now I do – two!

I’m not ready to wholeheartedly embrace my dreams again yet. I’m ready to feel tentatively hopeful that things will work out some way or other, but it’s too soon for me to be back to thinking “I’m going to find my dream job really soon, make a lot of friends, and live happily ever after.”

To some extent, I’m compromising on my dreams. I’m learning that maybe I will accept what I can get and be happy with it. I won’t stop trying to reach for my dream job… and I couldn’t justify it if I did. But as much as life is about pursuing your dreams, life is also about finding happiness in the moment, in what you can attain for now. I’m learning to be grateful for little things in a much more practical manner than ever before – I was grateful for nature and the everyday magical moments it offers, but not as much for basic necessities. I’m learning how to fail, and how to accept rejection, and accept that there are things you can’t have for a long time, and how to get up and keep trying anyways. I’m learning to have reasonable expectations of myself instead of overachiever expectations. I’m learning to not panic over limited resources or to stress over everyday things that I can’t control.

So in the end, even if I haven’t gotten my dream job, it’s been a productive summer.