I have a new fascination with high schoolers; actually, it extends beyond high schoolers to most people. I’d realized in the past how much school defines our lives, but now that I’m not a stable member of the 9-5 system, I’m more aware than ever how we let it define our lives. We shape our lives around a job and fill in the gaps with social lives or our passions.

But more than our schedules; our identities, our purpose- those are defined for us. I really think this is the defining difference between Aaron’s move to Pittsburgh and mine. He came for school; he’s immediately given an identity, a purpose, a cohort, a goal.

I was always frustrated during school because I was putting off my driving purpose. It’s funny, since now I’m in Pittsburgh, putting off my purpose to get a job; but since I hope to pursue my drive through my job, and I don’t want to overload myself with a million obligations before I have a work schedule- I suppose it makes sense. First things first.

It’s such an odd thing, to have to create your own sense of meaning and purpose. Even just for one day. My sister suggested that if I immediately remind myself of a goal for the day when I wake up, it would help me feel better and have a good day; she was right.

Philosophy has always been relevant to me… but now philosophy has become practical. It’s not just my primary source of intellectual stimulation; it’s part of my struggle to define my own identity, beliefs, lifestyle, and meaning. I don’t agree that we create ourselves, or that we “discover” ourselves; both ideas are too far on the spectrum. In truth, we do both; we’re both nature and nurture. I embrace my continual intellectual, philosophical, and overall growth throughout life; if I ever end up with someone, it will be someone that respects and embraces both my growth and their own, as well.

I think I appreciate Rachel’s frustration with living in the real world better than I did before living on my own. I get tired of being practical. My dives into philosophy are short, periodic escapes into deep thinking. I love my work (just as Rachel loves her teaching), but it engages an entirely different part of my mind than thinking about philosophy does. But that philosophy is guiding changes in my world view, my lifestyle choices, my beliefs. It seems like one of the most pressing things in the world, to keep going, because it’s so innately relevant to how I want to live my life. I wouldn’t be happy with philosophy if I didn’t have a practical outlet; but the same goes for having a practical life and creative job without a philosophical discussion in progress.

… This reminds me of my coach’s feedback after my Collaborative Project, which made me laugh and was very true. I love re-reading it (and I hope she won’t mind my quoting it here):

When I first spoke with you regarding the guidelines for the Collaborative Project, I told you that one major focus would be object-based teaching.

From the other end of the phone I heard a long sigh, followed by “Oh, that’s not going to be easy for me. I am very philosophical.”

Well, congratulations! Your CP was one of the most object-based (and successfully so) museum lessons I have ever witnessed. You have truly worked to achieve what appears to be an actual comfort level with object-based teaching.

I would say that my CP will always remain a defining experience for me. Professionally, I learned how much I can achieve, and my coach did an amazing (wish I had a better adjective!) job guiding me from being able to think both 35-feet-from-above and right-on-the-ground to finding the points in between and connecting the dots. And intellectually, again, learning how to do that- merge the philosophical and the practical- and how to guide my audience to do the same- has permanently changed the way I think, for the better. (I’m telling you, Dad, you should have let me bring that hatchet into your class to help them understand the concept of midrashim!)

Of course, this sounds contradictory with what I said earlier, that philosophy engages an entirely different part of my mind than teaching. Hmmm. Rachel has said that teaching is that way for her because she’s letting the students guide, so it’s less her intellectual struggle and hence less her deep thinking. It might just be that I haven’t done a program that involved such lofty goals as my CP since then. Grants involve some of the same thinking, since you’re trying to argue that funding your program will ultimately have deep impact well beyond the limits of your actual programming. It might also be that philosophy is just beginning to be so practical to me, and so I haven’t become fully aware of the shift in what parts of my mind are engaged.